Funny how he accused me of that well he did it to me but worse. And Im not saying my confrontation w/my H stopped his A at DDay2. While your husband may want a divorce, that doesnt mean you do and it doesnt mean you have to just give it to him. The fog was so thick. And I believed it. How sad he chose to cheat during your pregnancy and after. For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. Thank you both for your comments of support. I hope you can see this. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. Even if he is talking to her. You need to accept it that does not mean you agree or condone it but when you accept he is a liar & cheater and stop trying to change him and therein frustrating yourself, your life will be more peaceful and calmer. Think of it this way. He admitted it and a few weeks later he ended it with her. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. I think at this point he has multiple OW and is making bad choices but they are his choices not yours. When you are strong and solid things will fall into place. She was so screwed up mentally. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to Now? You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. I cant even IMAGINE us being goofy and stuff like we used to be. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. I am not stopping you. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. Ouch! Even if its wrong. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. I believe he would have been totally happy living a double life but I foiled his plan. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. And he understood. That is why I say As are like addictions. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. I see what he does and I KNOW I dont want a husband like this, yet I still love him and would want to work on it..WHAT?! Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. People get it. He shouldnt be living here. I changed the locks before he got home, and sent his dad to tell him not to come back unless he was willing to end the affair. It blows my MIND. But I also cant just live in limbo if he is giving me no inkling that we will have a future. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. Its not a M. Did he fight for you? And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. He threw in the towel. I thought he was on drugs at DDay 2. I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up. My husband was always extremely faithful, and during my pregnancy he took a job in another city and would come home on weekends, etc. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. we are seeing a councillor. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. Plain & simple! And I dont say a word. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. And now im alone in a way, with a baby, with a husband that isnt sure that he wants to be a husband anymore. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. I kept my sanity and wits and made good decisions. I feel like sometimes he wants to but then sometimes thinks its too hard, and then sometimes he just doesnt want to at all bc he is so sick of me. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you're getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. Sometimes I see it and sometimes im like woah who is this. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. He loves our daughter more than ANYTHING and I know that, and he knows he is a good dad but he also chooses to go out a lot and stay out until 3am and then claim he has no freedom. I think to myself that I know he sees me in a different light than he sees her, I know the type of woman I am, and the type of woman that she seems to be, and I cannot comprehend WHAT it is about her that he was willing to risk it all. I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. If he goes running off to the OW well that is on him!!! K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. Um, no, your actions turned your kids against you. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. The First Wife I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. I guess my fustration is with the lack of conscience. Boo Frickin Hoo! Or you can take some time to decide WHAT YOU WANT!! Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. They may think they won. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. Although he has been. I started to prepare for a divorce. He says he felt like I controlled everything and everything we did was on my terms and I didnt respect him, etc etc. When we left after the argument he texted me that we need to end this. You can live like roommates doing exactly the same thing. Let him start to see you in a different way. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). Not to end his A. It helps him continue the affair. I feel so vulnerable and im always assuming hes just walking all over me and I dont even know if he is. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. It pains me to think 1 year ago we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy as ever. Doing almost the same with you too, apart from, I never contact the AP neither push my son to it, though I have letter from my son, plead to my wife to love his Papa (Me) & stop the affair. CLEARLY. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. I think he feels deep down that he should be doing things a certain way, but then convinces himself no, I deserve to be happy. Doug: Yes. I dont want to lose myself. Thank you again for sharing your stories! But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. A father. Depressed State of Mind. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. He then apologized for all the things he said to me and said he is just sick of fighting about something that isnt happening (him talking to her). Get yourself a good therapist or counselor. Get a lawyer. I couldnt agree more! I would of course hope that one day he will open his eyes and see this for what it is and see how much trauma he has caused, but I really doubt it. Love you but not in love and all the crap the cheater tells you. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. GOSHHHHH. I feel humiliated by it all. Im not sure what Im going to do about this.. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. My wife began an EA after a trip out of town. his view on me became totally negative, and that started to change recently. I win! There are people like that. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. Not real. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. I told him I see now that we want different lives. Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. How jaded this makes us. But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. I certainly included that in there, as well. Unless and until the CS decides to end it. Trying to win him back. Calm. Maybe im allowing him too much freedom and he will just love it. You barely communicate. Did she get back in touch? Youre absolutely right, they are twins! The A fog (the state yiur H is in) will make you crazy. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. But he was very adament they are not speaking. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. He is expecting you to give in to him. No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. But I am his wife. Absolutely smart on your part. Im in the early stages of affair fog- my H started to act weird start of November, secret calls and text, late nights usual stuff I got our phone bill saw a number didnt know and searched on Facebook the girl he claimed to be just friends with, I approached him he denied I kicked him out he had no where to go he went and moved in with her only known her over a month living together he has admitted the affair.. Dont play his game. How do people turn this situation around? NO YELLING! I wish I could stick to it. Im struggling with finances as is, I cant rub two coins to my name. You tell the spouse the truth. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. Creston Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. We live as roommates. He has been staying here since, but on the couch. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. I make sure I am in control off my life. Surely her life was more important my jealousy. Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. So now the OW wont even allow him to have anything to do with me, including any civil relationship so we can raise our kids. I love him, probably too much. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. One who can guide you through this storm. I hope that it is. He accused you of cheating. It was a combination of things. I picked up the phone and made arrangements for him to stay with a friend until he found another place. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. It seems that most betrayed spouses are desperately trying to figure out the affair fog and what the hell is going on in the minds of their spouses. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. My H unleashed 25 years of anger and frustration at me while in the fog. Let him try and shovel that crap now he looks back and admits he was a jerk!!! In that call I told her she was number 15000 she was screaming (he had online pics and smut porn hookups and whatever else he tried to hide) she was nothing special just a nameless faceless whore hole an overused worn out piece of rotten meat I told him he was dead to me he murdered the man I loved to have a whore stroke his ego and his penis . You are absolutely right. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. I will end up being the one that got away if he lets me get away. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. The rest of the night we were okay, his dad was here so I knew we wouldnt discuss it, we didnt discuss anything and it was a decent night. Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure." I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. That was 20 years ago. I was probably like his mom, esp in the last few years. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. I sure hope he comes around. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. And he was free to be with the OW and I was not standing in his way. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. Hey Mark, Thanks for the comment and sorry that its taken me so long to get back to you, as I must have overlooked your question. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. Its good to know that Im not alone in this. Do that a few times and see what happens. Just my two cents. It can lead to a renewed marriage. Doug: In our situation, in your opinion, what do you think really worked as far as getting me out of the fog? Maybe give your opinion on some of the ones that I mentioned. But if I say that he says WE DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. Part of me is TERRIFIED that I will start to solely focus on me and the baby and stop asking him questions about what hes up to, and he will take advantage of that and start doing whatever he wants as if hes not married and start to enjoy it and fall more and more out of love with me.